Focus On
On a regular basis the Counseling Center intends to use this section of the site to focus, on a particular subject or to answer a question (confidentiality will be maintained). Some articles might be written by Counseling Center staff, some by other university faculty or staff, some may be taken from outside sources. Check back regularly; hopefully you'll find something new.
Current Topic: Focus on Grief
Grief is a subject on the minds of many, here at Taylor but grief is not just about the death of a friend or loved one. Grief is also part of the healing process after any type of loss whether it be a divorce, the loss of a job, or saying goodbye to friends as they move away.
Henry Cloud writes:
Grief is the toughest pain we have to deal with. It is not worst human experience, because it leads to resolution, but it is the most difficult for us to enter into voluntarily. The rest of our human experience pretty much just happens to us: hurt, injury, anxiety, alienation and failure are awful experiences we try to avoid and can't. They break through and we suffer. The difference with grief is that it does not "break through," but is something we enter into. Unlike the rest of painful human experience, grief is the one that heals all the others. It is the most important pain there is. This is why God calls us to enter into it voluntarily. Why is that? What is so special about grief? Why is it the "pain that heals?" Because grief is God's way of our getting finished with the bad stuff of life. It is the process by which we "let it go." Because it is the process by which things can be "over with," it becomes the process by which we can be available for new, good things. The soul is freed from painful experience and released for new, good experience. The soul is designed to finish things. It is designed to grieve. Just as a computer is programmed to run a particular path, so our soul is designed to go down the path of grief. Be sad, and your heart can be made happy. Cry it out, and it will get out. If grief is the answer to so many of life's problems, why don't we just do it? We usually only hold funerals when someone dies. But in the growth process, we need to grieve other things as well. The problem is we don't often see our "normal" life experiences as losses. So we stay in denial or protest for a long time. Another important reason people cannot grieve the way they need to is that they lack resources. In short, grief is a letting down and a letting go. And we cannot let down and let go if we are not being held up. If there is not enough love to sustain us, both inside and out, then we cannot let go of anything, even something bad.
We basically need two things for grieving. First, we need love, support and comfort. Second, we need structure. We need time and space for grieving. We need structured activities. This is why good support groups that meet at a regular time and do regular tasks are effective in getting people through grief. There is a time, a place, a space, an understanding, and some tasks to do that structure the experience. This is why I tell people that God put tear ducts in our eyes. Grief is a relational experience, and your pain has to be seen eye to eye with another person. Someone should be looking at us when we are crying, and we should be looking at him or her. Then we know that we are not alone and our tears are seen and heard. So in your own life and the lives of the people you help, grief may be the answer to your rut. It may be the answer to moving past the suffering. You may be denying a reality lost long ago. You may be protesting something that will never come true. Maybe it is time to give it up. Maybe it is time for you to mourn so that your heart can be made happy again.
